If there’s one phrase that Brits love to throw around when faced with life’s hardships, it’s "It is what it is."

It’s the ultimate conversation ender. The verbal shrug. The phrase that suggests acceptance without resolution. Whether it’s used in response to a cancelled holiday, a disappointing job interview, or a breakup, it often signals a quiet resignation—a way to brush things under the rug rather than actually process them.

But when does “it is what it is” shift from being a healthy way to accept reality to a defensive mechanism that stops us from dealing with trauma, mental health struggles, or real-life difficulties? And how can we move past this passive acceptance to actually heal?

Why Do We Say “It Is What It Is”?

The phrase itself isn’t inherently bad. Sometimes, things truly are beyond our control, and acknowledging that can be a healthy coping mechanism. In psychology, this kind of thinking is linked to radical acceptance, a concept in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) that encourages embracing reality without resistance.

However, the way the phrase is commonly used in the UK often shuts down deeper emotional processing. Instead of sitting with discomfort, exploring feelings, or seeking support, we use it as a mental escape hatch—a way to bypass pain rather than work through it.

When “It Is What It Is” Becomes a Problem

1. It Can Push Away Trauma

People who experience trauma often minimise their experiences as a survival strategy. Saying “it is what it is” can act as an emotional numbing tool—especially when it feels too overwhelming to unpack the pain.

2. It Reinforces Toxic Positivity

Toxic positivity is the insistence on maintaining a positive mindset at all costs, even when it’s unhelpful. The phrase “it is what it is” can sometimes be a more socially acceptable way of saying, “just get on with it”—which, while practical in some cases, can also invalidate real struggles.

3. It Stops People from Challenging the Status Quo

The phrase is often used as a passive acceptance of unfair or difficult circumstances. In the UK, where stoicism and resilience are deeply ingrained in the culture, people are often hesitant to complain, even when change is possible.

How to Move Past “It Is What It Is” Without Dismissing Reality

It’s okay to accept things you can’t control, but the key is to make sure you’re not using the phrase to avoid dealing with emotions, trauma, or necessary changes.

1. Recognise When It’s a Defence Mechanism

Ask yourself:
✔️ Am I saying "it is what it is" because I genuinely accept this, or am I avoiding something deeper?
✔️ Am I using this phrase to minimise my feelings?
✔️ Is there something I can change about this situation, even if it’s small?

2. Shift to Active Acceptance

Instead of passively accepting everything as unchangeable, try using language that validates your emotions while still acknowledging reality.

❌ Passive: “It is what it is. Nothing I can do.”
✅ Active: “This is hard, but I can work through it.”

❌ Passive: “It is what it is, I just have to put up with it.”
✅ Active: “This isn’t fair, and I can explore ways to challenge it.”

3. Allow Yourself to Feel

If you catch yourself brushing off emotions with "it is what it is," pause and ask:
🔹 What am I actually feeling right now?
🔹 Is this something I need to process further?
🔹 Would talking to someone help?

4. Advocate for Change Where Possible

If the situation genuinely isn’t okay, challenge it instead of defaulting to passive acceptance.

🔹 If therapy waitlists are too long, explore alternative resources like support groups, charities, or employer-funded mental health schemes.
🔹 If you feel trapped in a toxic work environment, research career transitions or employee rights.
🔹 If you’ve experienced trauma, seek professional support instead of dismissing it.

Final Thoughts: Reclaiming "It Is What It Is"

Not everything in life is fixable. Sometimes, acceptance is the healthiest option—but only when it’s genuine, not avoidant. If you find yourself using "it is what it is" to shut down emotions, dismiss struggles, or accept injustice, it may be time to challenge your mindset.